Please

Please don't take me for a love sick teenager who thinks pimples are caused by crushing over the boy next door. I am no whore. But I have long lost my virginity to some guy who I thought did the deed with me out of love. I have been a delusional naive woman, who for years thought I've found my only one.

Son of a gun. Shoot me now. There should be justice with all this hoopla somehow! Love, love, what the hell does that mean? If you believe in it as much as I do, well you really don't want to go where I've been.

Please don't talk to me about silly giddy things, about sparks and chemistry, and corney things! This heart has no ears and does not listen to stupid lies. No, your sweet nothings won't give you a pass in between my thighs. I won't deny, I have needs. I want what you want too. If only I was capable of doing shit like you, you wouldn't need to talk, I'd even tape that big mouth too!

Please stop telling me who I am. I am no saint, but boy, what you need to understand, I am who I am because I can. You can't possibly be telling me now how I have lived my life, or how it should be! Don't you see? You may have helped me to be me! And please don't disagree! You have given me love, yes, that's true. But your love with condition has bruised me too. Black and blue. Running for my life now, my battered heart hardly beats for anyone now.

Please allow me to get over you. You have convinced me for years that you don't love me, that lust was fueling your great ferocity. That there is nothing you could ever give but just your mere presence. And I was stupid enough to believe that love, we will find again.

I don't understand, I never will. You tell me it was my flaws that made your heart still. But why the hell did you promise that day, that you would never leave me, that you would forever stay. Come what may. You'll hold my hand and be with me, every single fucking day until forever, that's what how it was supposed to be. It was all too surreal, I should've known. Now I feel like my life isn't my own. Fuck  what I have sacrificed, and fuck all the things we have been through! Fuck everything else, because you know what? I am fucking tired of loving you.

Please allow me to be angry. I am spent. I am exhausted. I am worst than the feeling of being hungover and wasted. I am tired. I am lonely. I am sick. I am empty as a dry basin. I want to scream and scream until my lungs shrivel into a tiny raisin.

Please let's stop pointing fingers. What's the use? We both know it is over. I will never love again as I have loved you. But allow me to heal, and allow me to just be friends with you. I can never lose you, you know I can't. Because even if I said I love you no more, my heart knows it wasn't meant. I tried to tell you how much I love you, but you wouldn't listen and instead, you shake your head, telling me you would rather go to bed. So I had to do what I thought should be done, I told you I didn't love you no more, and for the first time, you were mum.

You know I would fight for you, I have proven it time and again. But I am tired of telling you, and still you wouldn't listen. You remind me instead you don't love me anymore. So I told you to stop pushing me away, or I would really walk out that door. And with that one last shove: I am unloved, you reminded me. I just took the final step, and closed the door behind me. Finality. This is what it feels to be free. Lonely. Painful. In misery. I don't want any of it, but I don't want the rejection behind the door that's waiting for me.

Please just free me.



*Written for The Really Bad Poets and what is left of Stringedmusic.
*Picture was taken at NAIA Terminal 3, waiting lounge. I really don't have the patience to wait so everytime I would need to, I have to distract myself. That was my distraction then. 
*Poetry inspired by my girlfriends. Just because I feel that there is a need to rant in behalf of everyone else. 
*This is a rough draft. I am experimenting on Def Jam poetry pieces. Not really good at it, but what the hell. 

Posted in: defjam,poetry,rage